If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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