i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
