my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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