Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize