Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
