I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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