just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
