there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my being single is dangerous.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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