I think my fart just growled at me.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
