We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
