We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
