My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Less talking, more tequila
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize