My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
