last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
