I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
