Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
