There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
