If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize