These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
