So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
