I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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