I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
