I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
