This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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