i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
