I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
