everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just pee around me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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