Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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