I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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