I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
