she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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