Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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