Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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