i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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