Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I love you.
Bad choice
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
