every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
