she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
