If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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