I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
