I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
