I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
