my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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