I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
