these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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