Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
