The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize