I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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