Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
