i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
