I'm gonna have a badass scar
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This baby is an asshole
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
