I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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