i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
