I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
