woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
