Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
