i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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