Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
